plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
