dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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