The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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