i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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