I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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