Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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