mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
soo... how was my night?
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