Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
