mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
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