dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
