Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Randomize
