Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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