I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
