i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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