I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Randomize
