Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize