Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
