oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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