Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
