Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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