Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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