Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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