just tell him i said nine months
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
