I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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