guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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