It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
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