There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
