he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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