I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
This baby is an asshole
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
