How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
