did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
