If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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