The maid of honor just puked.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
