well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize