i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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