I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
