he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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