covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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