College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
