So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
