his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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