Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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