I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
She needs sedatives and a leash
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
