I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
