The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
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