Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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