I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
