I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Vodka?
Forever.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
