I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
