I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
