I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
