that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
