just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
