I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
