final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
