She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize