Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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