I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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