you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
