I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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