this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
