My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
