I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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