I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
